After mulling over the idea quietly for a long while, I've decided to write a story that has the fallen angel, Lucifer, as an antagonist where various Baha'i teachings are cast allegorically. After all, if...

• CS Lewis can use magic wardrobes, talking lions, and evil witches as allegorical vehicles to convey Christian teachings,
• Stephanie Meyer can use vampires and werewolves in situations of complete fantasy to allegorically teach about Mormon values,
• Milton can write a whole book about Lucifer's expulsion from Heaven and the Fall of Man in Paradise Lost, and
• Islam and Sufi can recast the nature of Lucifer's pride from wanting to be better than God to loving God so much that he couldn't bring himself to prostrate before humanity...

I recently wrote a friend and provided an example of somebody being on the bad end of Ruhi. The individual in question was on the receiving end of a rude individual's accusations on the individual's spirituality and character for not doing Ruhi. The irony was that the individual on the receiving end was in fact taking Ruhi classes; this individual had simply chosen a different teacher. I sense the student received some certitude for their choice when they received intimidation from a potential teacher.

It's not my intent to discredit Ruhi. I'm not suggesting that rude behavior is common-place. I'm not even speculating that a fatal concentration of such behavior exists in the Baha'i Faith. Not having gone through Ruhi, I cannot judge it. I can only understand my feelings and set some expectations for myself so that when I do go through Ruhi, the experience is objective-driven. This journal entry is my latest thinking on Ruhi. It will make for an interesting reflection to compare what I thought and expected with what I experience.

I sense the fear and anxiety, expressed by some long time Baha'is, is that Ruhi leads down the path to rote expressions of faith and negative kinds of group-think that we associated with more clergied religion. In many ways, I agree that Ruhi has the potential to evolve into that, as evidenced by the behavior of some individuals whose zeal enables them to levy old religion tactics of guilt and accusation against people who don't conform as they do.

My biggest fear of Ruhi is that it will lead to codification of interpretation on things that are more esoteric and abstract. To start with, the name itself, means spirit or spiritual. It seems plausible that as Ruhi evolves that people might suggest to add books that codify abstract aspects of theology, metaphysics, and spiritual life. I admit the possibility of this being appropriate, but I sense humanity will need to have evolved quite a bit for that type of outcome to seem appropriate.

Part of the beauty of spirituality is experiencing the epiphanies and realizations first hand. Spirituality cannot be taught in the same way most knowledge can be taught. Spirituality is fundamentally a personal experience. What can be taught are fundamental assumptions and methodologies that allow people to piece together what they read or ponder so that it can be applied in action.

Most of my spiritual progress comes from trying to understand esoteric and abstract concepts. It stems from the idea if I can understand these advanced concepts and learn to incorporate them into my own life, then I'll eventually become a better person. Many established mystical traditions (Buddhism, Sufi, Christian monastic life, etc.) often emphasize a disciplined process of detachment and reflection. This process of enlightenment makes one more spiritual, that is - more mindful of his relationship to God, to himself, and to all other things in this world (friends, families, enemies, animals, etc.), resulting in a character that behaves compassionately and justly. Mystics understand the abstract because of this process.

The problem is most mystical traditions are wholly impractical for dealing with the human condition on a massive scale. They are escapist traditions because one learns to escape or minimize the effects of the human condition on himself. A mystic learns to exist with love for the world despite its failings and his actions will reflect his conscience. Unfortunately, what can happen is that a mystic might never come down from his mountain of understanding. Such people find the infinite expanse of knowledge in these abstracts and they get stuck there, pondering many wonders.

Isolation from the world has value for some, perchance to develop one's certitude for one's self, to cement that one's convictions are held as his own private testament to God. Eventually one must arrive at conclusion to stay on the mountain and ponder more or to go down and test all that he has pondered. A bird that soars high towards Heavenly knowledge shows one glory, but greater is that bird that then descends to assist those that they might know, too. Charity isn't good solely for charity's sake. It's good because it removes a roadblock that might otherwise prevent somebody from being able to understand God for himself.

I realize I levy oversimplified judgment on mystics, but I'm simply trying to highlight the potential problems of mysticism. I say "tends" because some have learned to practice a more practical form of mysticism. I fully understand that mystics often begin with practical lessons; it is just that the lessons can tend to evolve into dealing with the esoteric problems of an individual's "being" or the detachment process can appear more dogmatic in its institutionalized forms because a lot of people have a difficulty understanding how to apply mystical knowledge. I do not fault these traditions for their view - they just came before a time when they could effectively deal with the problems of massive populations.

Things are different now. Many people are empowered with information and information is growing exponentially. Education is becoming more widespread. Technology is available to work things that would have been miraculous in the past. We don't need a clergy. We don't need shaykhs, priests, or monks to interpret the Word of God for us. We don't need them to exemplify good living. Many of us know through our own eyes and have a conscience that demands submission.

Like mysticism, Ruhi seems to want to develop an individual's spirituality, but it seems to do so by focusing on the practical. It focuses on practical aspects of "Baha'i culture and Baha'i life"... basic worldview assumptions, how to act nicely, how to teach your kids, the history of the faith, how to teach, how to establish good families, etc. etc. Each Ruhi book seems to starts with a small number of basic/fundamental concepts and encourages the seeker to understand how to incorporate those concepts into living a life purposed with improving the human condition for himself and those around him. From what I've seen of excerpted Ruhi material online, only the most basic of metaphysical and spiritual assumptions and concepts are stated as fact. These ideas are communicated through a basic lexicon, embodied inherently through the language of the Scripture. It's a practical necessity to ground everybody on basic concepts and lexicon. Without them you have no uniform way of communicating or discussing more advanced spiritual concepts. A common lexicon for basic concepts also helps to cement some form of unity that is the shared spiritual and religious identity of being a Baha'i.

Like numerous mystical traditions, Ruhi has teachers. Teachers are not an absolute necessity to develop spirituality, but it certainly helps to have one. I believe that a student chooses his teacher. The teacher is afforded respect because the student gives it. Just because a teacher has students means that the teacher will be any good for a particular individual. At some point, the student graduates. He may still defer to his teacher, but that is still a choice, granted out of love and respect, rather than obligation and any sense of perceived station. In essence, he defers for the same reason as he did when he was a student!

I sense the best type of Ruhi teacher, for me, is one who will empower more with questions rather than answers. I acknowledge this as an aspect of my character. If any answer is provided with certainty, it would be standalone text from the Sacred Writings. Text from the Master, the Guardian, or the Universal House of Justice is used to confirm or question my interpretation. Deference to any other opinion is done by choice because I sense alignment with Scripture.

If there is any teacher that I do not wish to have, it is one who expects conformity with their interpretation, their way of thinking, or their understanding of how knowledge should be applied in action. Such people expect deference from me because of how they see themselves. They are the kind of people who assign motive to others, levy accusations of apostacy, and make a point to exalt their own behavior. They are the kind of people who believe they can measure their spiritual self worth in terms of the number of completed Ruhi courses. These types of behaviors are asinine, but that's exactly how you get the kind of dogmas that have caused dissatisfaction with old world religions.

Ruhi is not given to us in the same way that the Sacred Writings are given, so it doesn't strike me as something eternal. I sense it is more temporal, with great purpose and function during this time of Entry by Troops, which I suspect is going to be our condition for a while. How Ruhi adapts to meet future challenges is somewhat up to us, but improper application can lead to it becoming dogmatic.

If Ruhi starts to deal with less practical problems, or if lessons used for example purposes are turned into idealized paths or examples, of if Ruhi becomes the standard manual for describing spiritual growth, or if it becomes an indicator for measuring one's worth, then it is a sign of it being dogmatic. I sense Ruhi is an effective methodology for communicating examples of practical spirituality, with the intent that people will find their own way to express faith and contribute to the improvement of the human condition. I sense it's a way to direct the course of many by identifying principles and best known methods so that people can learn how to include spirituality into how they deal with the practical problems of their daily lives. That said, problems are experienced and understood differently for different people based on their context (culture, geology, race, gender, nationality, etc.). It's impossible to have a codification that is universal in this manner. It has to be localized, and even then, focused more on the practical lives of the audience. In essence, if there isn't a means by which an individual can find a "genuine" way to express his understanding (either through words or deed) the lesson is simply rote.

I'm not suggesting that all expressions of faith must be unique. I'm sure many of us employ solutions to our lives' challenges that have similarities. What makes the expression genuine is something internal and private with God, a kind of certitude or conviction that you are doing the right thing, that you're not doing whatever it is that you're doing because somebody is standing over your shoulder ready to judge you. You're doing it for the right reason; you're doing it for the right motive. Motive can rarely be judged by anybody. At best, we can only judge the outward aspects of the deeds and outcome.

I believe with much conviction that Ruhi is spiritual in nature, but the creation of undesirable religious dogma often starts with a spiritual premise. If Ruhi becomes a platform for understanding more advanced or abstract concepts, it should do so because their is a practical need for it - that there exists a societal problem that necessitates such things, and even then, the lessons taught must be for example purposes. My personal belief is that advanced  or abstract concepts don't need examples. Once you understand the basics, the more esoteric things will make sense to the individual at an appropriate time.

What I hope to find in Ruhi is that the spirituality is not written on paper. It might be that spirituality is that thing experienced when what's learned is applied, or that "ah ha!" feeling associated with realization, but those are certainly not the only ways to experience spirituality. I sense, if applied correctly, Ruhi may be what is missing in many mystic traditions. I sense that it's a systematic grounding in the earthly human condition, in addition to being a teaching vehicle that can bind believers in dimensions not attained from typical fellowship.

For me, the litmus test for whether I like Ruhi is whether it empowers the individual to discover God by intentionally leaving the more abstract questions unanswered. For now, I believe that Ruhi needs to be optional. If it ever becomes mandatory, it will be a sign that we've achieved a greatness for mankind unseen in human history (e.g. the roteness of such elementary lessons will be necessary in dealing with greater problems of being on a wide scale), or it is a sign that we are to suffer the same fate as the old world religions. Mankind's hubris has a tendency of proving the latter, but assessing the future is a merely an intellectual exercise, with limited value... and well, we're bound to get another Manifestation at some point to correct any mistakes we may have made for ourselves.  But for the near future, I sense that uncoerced submission to this type of instutionalized teaching is an important goal. I sense the kind of fruit yielded from motives induced by coercion or judgment is going to be sour.

The human condition is dynamic, and the problems that we solve tomorrow will be replaced by aspects of our life today that we didn't realize were problems. Codification of methodology has a place for dealing with practical and temporal aspects of the human condition. Very few things of the human condition are eternal. If Ruhi becomes a go-to manual for "how to be a good or minimally good Baha'i", I sense it will become stale and dogmatic

An old friend told me that Ruhi describes three levels of understanding of the writings, and through an intellectual reaction to the statement, I came to accept an understanding of self.

Knowing and understanding the writings are rarely my weaknesses. This isn't some self proclaimed exaltation of my intelligence or my being. Rather, it's part of a setup that leads to a rather damning indictment. Inspiration from a year ago forbade me from reading the 7 Valleys & the 4 Valleys until I after I had read through the Aqdas and the Iqan (again). I innately understood the reason why then but clarity of such self-advisement became abundantly clear today.

My problem is not knowing. It's never been knowing. It's never been understanding. I've always been able to read and process esoteric information, to discern patterns, to test theories on my own, and to understand how one can apply that knowledge in practical, daily life. It's a natural consequence of having read philosophy and religion on my own as an independent student since the 8th grade.

There's also cognitive knowledge and understanding and then there's knowing with certitude. Even the latter has not been my problem. I vaguely remember a conversation (at university roughly 10 years ago) with a person of faith, who expressed polite jealously that God proved Himself to me multiple times. He pointed out that God usually doesn't indulge arrogant challenges of "if God exists, then God will do xyz to prove to me He exists"... which is true for most. Not me. I stopped counting, but it was roughly one to two handfuls of disparate events. I have no excuse. Even moreso is the regularity with which I experienced those moments of spiritual extascy and joy, that flood of overwhelming knowledge/awakening/understanding that serves to inspire one to better himself and transforms belief into true faith of conviction and certitude. Knowledge and understanding are not my weaknesses.

And lest ye think I'm self-aggrandizing. I'm not trying to. I'm not claiming that I know everything or that I understand everything. I'm not suggesting I've unraveled any special knowledge. There's a simplicity to spiritual divine knowledge - it really is as simple as the first few of The Hidden Words suggest - pure, kind and radiant heart, knowing justice, and knowing God. Everything else is a kind of elaboration, an unfolding of very simple, elegant principles. The beauty about enlightenment is that there's always more minutia, subtley, and beauty to uncover in such basic principles. The intersection of the basics and their derivatives lead to an exponentially infinite number of derivatives of understanding. I'm still unraveling and with great humility I can say with certainty that I am far from knowing and understanding the infinite expanse that is enlightenment.

Furthermore, I know I can do. Don't get me wrong. I have my insecurities and weaknesses that manifest in failures to manifest spirituality in action. However, I can breathe. I can move. I can talk. I can see, hear, feel. I have many abilities that most of us are blessed with. I have some unique talents, too, as we all have different talents. Fundamentally, I know I can do because I do everyday... just that I'm not always doing what I ought to be doing or doing it to the extent my conscience demands of me.

What I am claiming though is that God has blessed me with the knowledge with which I can better myself, the intelligence to understand that knowledge and apply it in a diversity of contexts, the spiritual experiences that provide the certitude to know when I'm avoiding my true responsibilities and obligations and when I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and the simple capability of being able to plan and follow through on self improvement. I'm sure I'm not alone, and there's nothing unique here for people who have an active and demanding conscience. I am unbelievably blessed.

The damning indictment is that I'm not "being"... I've never gone through Ruhi but I expect it makes a distinction between "knowing", "doing", and "being". I have the first two down... the last part is my weakness. Perhaps "being" is the wrong word. Unfettered? Pure in heart and motive? The "true" in "true seeker"?

In its most fundamental form, my lack of being manifests as the part of me that doesn't want to exist. It just wants complete obliteration of the soul, bordering on being unmade. I know such an outcome is not metaphysically available, and I'm cognitively aware that's just my lesser being whispering and using guilt and shame to its advantage.

What is an option is annihilation of the self, a level of existence where I exist in harmony with what God expects of me. It's an existence with no doubt - just joy in knowing that all that I am and all that I do is His Will, etc. etc. I know I've tasted fleeting bits of that, as that what drives my certitude. Yet with all that I know, all that I experience and feel, I lack the motivation to want that goal for the right reasons. I'm wanting it because it's what I can get... not because it's the best thing in the universe that anybody could ask for.

This is a terrible insult towards God - to suggest that I'm settling for enlightenment and salvation, as if they were a 2nd place prize. Yet, what I want is something more, more than what I am entitled to as a human. It's fundamentally Luciferan. It's the desire to be more and have more than what God bestows. Knowing that I am denied it, I hear the whisper that calls for the soul's oblivion: why bother serving in Heaven, if you're not going to get what you really want? I'm ashamed of this and I've known of it, but I am starting to understand just how unbelievably damning this is.

It wouldn't surprise me if this is one of the reasons the most seemingly holy of people can find themselves barred from nearness to Him at the moment of their death - even suggesting that one is entitled to anything from God because it's promised in scripture smacks of a terrible arrogance. Likewise, the seemingly most undeserving person, with humble and pure intent, can theoretically find themselves awakened by His Grace and attain the everlasting life as His humble servant, doing what He so commands and experiencing the constant awakening of life as He breathes love into one's soul. How such a person serves God may be different than somebody who has consistently served Him, but it doesn't really matter, does it? God overflows one's cup... the arrogant and the prideful care about the size of that cup. The humble and the pure graciously accept it for what it is and are able to drink more deeply, but still - their cups will overflow, as a constant reminder of just how limited they are. And perhaps with time, God might surprise one with an expression of grace, a new cup that is larger.

But today, I have a better understanding of my greatest weakness... it's almost as if Baha'u'llah dragged me out of bed, sat me down, and said, "Look. Get with the program. Here's a laundry list. You can do it. Get to it. Quit complaining. Forget what you did. I'm judging you on what you'll do. And quit worrying about how you screwed up. You're in line for Heaven. That's what counts. Don't complain about others being ahead of you in line, and don't complain about what you'll get when pass those gates. You lost your place in line before and that was your choice, but you're in line now. Get it? I know you do. You perceive the sea of misery that is the human condition... many are those who don't even know of this line to Heaven even exists. Many are just content to do it their way or the old way, and you see how it can sometimes compound their personal misery even with the best of intentions, contributing to the overall human condition that is so often plagued by misery. You sense the complexity. You understand the simplicity of the answer and the difficulty and magnitude of the solution. You understand with humility how small a role you play in the larger scheme of things. You've glimpsed all of this and you turned away because you couldn't bear its sight. How many times have I inspired you to do something, and you chose not to for whatever excuse you came up with. I know that you know. Don't worry, though. I'll make you into one who can brave it, though. When I'm done with you, you won't care about the weight or complexity or your inferiorities and weakness, because you'll have grown. It won't matter because you'll be doing what I tell you. You know suffering. You know because you know separation. You were my adversary, knowingly. Most do it to rebel out of ignorance. But you did it with knowledge and out of spite, and you've paid for it and will continue pay for it to deal with natural consequences for some time. I know that you know. But how blessed are you that you know separation first hand. You can appreciate such plight with such certainty. Most don't even know they're suffering. I've given you so much, but you still shuffle your feet and frown. Others would trade all that they have to get your place here. Are you not thankful? Are you going to spit in my face a third time? Do you dare demand more of Me? I bring you to the path leading to Heaven, offer forgiveness, instruct you, give you certitude, and you can't even bring yourself to want it for the right reason. You're like the lover that can't bring himself to say 'I love you' to the girl he loves, even though she's the most wonderful and loving person in his life. You're the guy that is more than willing to say 'I care about you a lot'. Don't worry, though. I know why you are this way, even if you don't fully understand. I know you'll come around, eventually. In the meantime, get to it. I'll tolerate you doing it for the wrong reason because I love you. That's how much God loves you. Follow through and the change that you so desperately seek will happen. I know that you know."

There's a certain irony in having an online journal and not sharing. There are actually quite a few journal entries written since my last entry, but they take the form of private letters and it would be inappropriate to share. There's a certain sense of safety that comes from having a mostly anonymous Internet. Combine that with the catharsis that comes from public expression, it's no wonder that blogs are so popular.

Still my heart is content in knowing that what I've done is sufficient. There's so much that I need to do, and daily challenges and personal weakness still get in the way of pursuing a more rigorous prayer practice. There's a certain je ne sais quoi about my lack of discipline now that I sense I need to explore... as if, I'm being given then chance to understand how to exercise a disciplined form of enlightenment that lacks the more visible forms of outward structure.

Don't get me wrong - it's not like I've stopped praying or have missed numerous days of obligatories and allah-u-abhas. Much to the contrary, I'm praying quite often... often times, holding my daughter so that she might be accustomed to hearing prayer and not thinking it's entirely weird. My record isn't perfect, but I'm content with it.

Life is a storm right now... not as frightening as a hurricane, but numerous uncertainties exist. Amidst all of it is the one certainty of God. I know I can navigate these challenges with a zen-like efficiency... now I just need to find that zen gear on my motor.

I chastised them for sin,
You chastised me for pride.
Why are they exempt?
They are not.

Why am I admonished?
Why am I accused?
You are not God, either.
Willing student, are you not?

How will they ever learn?
Somebody must act
if only to teach them.
What have you taught?

I bring their faults to light
so that they might know.
That can’t be wrong.
Wrong is not the issue.

What have you taught?
You have simply told.
You expect understanding?
If they are logical.

Without their request,
Your words are wasted.
They’ve heard it before.
So what should I say?

Forget about saying.
Think of when to act.
Search for willingness.
Not everybody is willing.

Some can’t ask for help.
Some don’t ask for help.
Some won’t accept the help.
Some can, some do, and some will.

How am I to know?
Who should I believe?
I cannot read minds.
It's about hearts, not minds..

What does that mean?
You've said nothing.
What am I to do?
Begin with yourself.

When one asks for help,
you have reason to act.
Take that as a sign.
And if I can't help?

If one cries for help
and another has wronged him,
you have reason to act.
Do I admonish the wicked?

If one wrongs himself
and laments his condition,
you have reason to act.
And do I point out his error?

With every instruction,
only more questions.
I don't understand.
Begin with yourself.

Manifest me, your pure,
kind, and radiant heart,
by seeking justice.
I have much to learn.

I don't have time to do full prayer reflections, but I have spent the time since my last journal entry learning three new prayers. I am happy that I've made some progress in this regard, even though my recitation doesn't quite have the right flow and cadence. This brings the total number of Bahai'i prayers to 7... in review.

• short obligatory
• medium obligatory
• detachment: O Lord! Unto Thee I repair for refuge...
• evening: The Midnight Prayer
• forgiveness: Lauded by Thy Name, O My God...
• teaching: O God! O God! This is a broken-winged bird...
• Grace at the table: He is God! How can we render Thee thanks, O Lord?...

I need to deeply reflect on the last three and write journal entries for them. I haven't yet, but not having done so does not bother me too much. That time will eventually come, most likely when my recitation of those verses come naturally, without effort.

In terms of praying 5 times a day... not quite hitting that magic number of 5. It's always something like 3 or 4... although, there's something to be said about the time put into those 3 or 4. As I've said before, there is something to be said about quality, as well as quantity.

Still, I realize that praying 5 times a day isn't something that is hard. I've done it before, when I had a more regimented schedule. I simply need to have the discipline to do it without predictable breaks in my day. In fact it is during those days where my schedule is full that I should be ever mindful... it only need be a muttering of silent prayer. Anything... really, that shows my mindfulness of God.

Were I ever mindful of God during an activity, I would treat that as prayer. The simple matter is that I'm not yet changed so thoroughly in spirit to remember without effort. Still, I sense changes will happen with time.

It's ironic that my wife thinks that I've already made my biggest change... that being a follower of God. What I don't think she understands is that being a professed follower of God doesn't really amount to much. How many pious people do I find objectionable? How often do I find myself annoyed by reformed sinners, people who somehow have found God and somehow find it within their right to judge others or presume that they somehow can lay claim to any level of enlightenment.

If there's anything that I've learned from my meditations is that I'll never be enlightened... there's really no such thing. The truly enlightened... those are the Manifestations of God. That's what makes them enlightened. Everybody else is a student... sure, some might be farther along in their journey, but that journey never ends. There's always something new to learn. 

Just like Rumi's poem where Moses chastizes a man for praying to God with an inappropriate level of familiarity, only to be chastized by God for having chastized the man, only to later learn from the chastized man that the original chastizing was in some way appropriate. We're constantly learning, unlearning, and learning again... just like Buddha's metaphor of peeling an onion. How lucky am I to be able to look forward to being a student forever... no boredeom shall await me!

I wish I could say that I got a lot done this week, but then again, the primary purpose of this week (and next week) is to recover from surgery. I've learned a little about myself, and I'm still learning how to balance the goals of rest and appropriate activity. Over the first week, I experinced both extremes of physical over-exertion and physical rest, to the point of atrophy. Spiritually speaking, I could have done a bit better. What follows is my recalling of the past week.

Over-exertion

The first few days after my surgery were filled with over-exertion. It started with waking up early Friday morning and spending 3 hours writing a long journal entry. Although the waking on Friday could be blamed on the "final wearing off" of the general anaesthesia used during surgery, the rest of my weekend is punctuated by long stretches of being upright (e.g. standing, walking, not laying down). My rest is erratic, usually consisting of a restful night's sleep and a nap sometime during the day.

By Monday, my behavior finally caught up with my body. My back felt extremely sore, and I realized that my tendency to want to be awake and do even the most mundane things with my family is getting in the way of recovery. I also theorized that narcotic painkillers haved prevented me from understanding the degree to which I've stressed my body because the narcotics mask the pain but don't encourage or induce sleep (at least, those side-effects don't exist for me). I resolved to scale back on the narcotic consumption and take a more pro-active stance on rest.

Narcotics

Early Tuesday morning I wake with pain, and I almost convince myself to get up and take painkillers, but I find myself assessing this pain. Why is the pain in my right foot and not my left, and why doesn't feel sciatic pain? Why do my arms feel like they're on fire? Why are my arms and legs twitching? I realize that I'm probably going through withdrawal, and I find myself praying... asking God to help me sleep and to fight my body's urges to get painkillers. I've never been one to be critical of anyone's recreational drug use, but I've always had a point of personal pride to not have a chemical dependency. Yet here I am, face to face with the prospects of having one. I eventually manage to fall asleep, but not without first experiencing exhaustion from fighting the call of the chemical, made most obvious by the cold sweating. 

In hindsight, I realize that I'm probably not a good candidate for addiction... I'm too mindful of it, I'm able to fight those urges well, and I don't seek to get high on my medication. The biggest problem is that I do enjoy narcotic highs a bit too much, and I know it. Narcotic highs are rare, and there's nothing intentional or predictable about experiencing them. Sometimes I'll find myself feeling a bit high off a single, standard dose of narcotic painkillers. Other times, I'll take a series of double doses and feel nothing... but one thing is for sure. When it happens, it happens... and I do enjoy it, even if it's just feeling a bit loopy in the head.

The phrase of chasing the dragon is appropriate... the best narcotic high I've experienced was at a hospital, with an intravenous narcotic, 4 years ago. It was unbelievably awesome, going from awful, tear-inducing back pain to a blabbering idiot, high as a kite. I'd be lying if I said anything contrary to having fully enjoyed that experienced... a lot. I've never had a high quite like that, even after getting the same narcotic intravenously a second time, 3 years ago. Even with all of the painkillers now... I could probably induce an incredibly good high, but I don't feel any desire to get high on my medication because I hate the idea of addiction so much. I'm more than content to experience a chemical high that wasn't intentionally induced... and the fact that it's so rare, makes it seem almost like a surprise gift.

Rest & Detox

The remainder of the week was spent on far fewer narcotics. I suppose I was always taking them as-needed, the fact that I was up and about more often meant that I needed them more often. Now, I take them as needed under the context of increased rest during the day, meaning I take 1 or 2 pills per day. This is a far cry from the 6-9 pills a day (with a physician's maximum of 12 per day) from earlier in the week. 

With fewer narcotics in my body, I find myself naturally tired... as in, I actually feel my body's exhaustion from the surgery more-so, but the pain is not so excruciating that I feel the need to be popping pills aggressively. I'm more mindful of my body's aches and pains, where they are and how intense they are. My resting schedule is more pronounced: longer evening sleep, more naps throughout the day, and my waking hours are spent often on my back... resting those tired muscles that I over-exerted earlier in the week. 

Atrophy of Body and Spirit

Despite having introduced aspects of my physical therapy routine into my daily activities, I sense that I have been excessive in my pursuit of rest, during the past few days. The natural balance offered by the Middle Way was lacking, and had I taken a more mindful approach to integrating prayer more regularly throughout my day, I sense I would have realized that. Prayer is almost always an activating experience... God sets my spirit aflame, unless I am specifically asking for rest. 

I eventually realized the stupidity of the idea, but there were a few times when I opted to not pray because I was laying down... as in, because the posture wasn't reverent enough. I eventually dispelled this concern and found myself praying more often... although, probably not enough to qualify for my original goal of 5 times a day.

Still, I sense my prayer habits sufficient at times and lacking at other times. At times, prayer felt more fulfilling and not being I am not necessarily rushed by my "normal" schedule. However I sense that I should be striving to be mindful of my original goal of prayer 5 times a day. Having multiple naps during the day really screws with things, although in hindsight I should have simply prayed when I began to nap and again when I woke. These are the types of things I learn when I reflect on my day, and I should make a better habit of reflecting... and there's something to be said about writing a journal entry. Such realizations feel more tangible... as if I'm less likely to forget. I know I've had inner dialogs and reflection over the course of this week, and I struggle to remember the key take-aways. I need to get back in the habit of daily journals... they need not be long and tedious, but I learn something every day... it's a damn shame that I should forget.

But today... today hasn't been good. I feel the atrophy caused by excessive rest, and I sensed that this might happen yesterday. Today, my whole body feels plagued by a certain kind of ache... as if my body doesn't want to move at all. I realize some of this is caused by the fact that I could not sleep last night and most of my rest in the last 18 hours has been during the day and plagued by the occasional telephone call. Still, having sensed this possibility yesterday, I am certain that I need to find a better balance between rest and activity.

My spirit, too, feels a similar kind of ache... again, probably tied to not having some structure in my day that is not guided by prayer. I made a promise to myself to learn a prayer today, and I chose to memorize a prayer of forgiveness, after giving into a bit of temptation. Although, I stumble, I find myself hastening to God. I hope to journal tomorrow on the memorized prayer, after giving my mind some time to digest its meanings.

Ever since sometime before June 16, 2008... ever since my most recent string of back pain and sciatica was bad enough to visit the doctor, my prayer habits have been a bit lacking and my typical blogging pattern of a daily journal somewhat reflects that. I missed 4 days in June and missed 27 days in July.

That's not to say that I failed to do my daily Baha'i obligatory prayer or the Allah-u-abha chant. Rather, my personal goal of praying 5 times a day wasn't met. My physical exercise goals have also been lacking, in genuine pursuit of physical recovery, as well. My cadence of waking in the early morning for dawn prayers and driving into work early so I could exercise was no longer possible. On some days, I might have met the spirit of prayer 5 times a day through general mindfulness of God throughout the day, but I certainly can't recall specifics...

The lack of exercise is excusable. Missing prayer 5x/day, perhaps understandable. In hindsight the number is less important.. the quality of prayer or mindfulness and the frequency is more important. Most of what I hold myself to is a personal dogma, and I sense God was testing me by testing my dogma, thus giving me the chance to understand empirically what I've known all along. 

Still I stive for 5x/day because it can be difficult for me on some days, and had I been dedicated enough to that standard I would have found a way to ease my conscience every day by adjusting my personal rule that I have 2 hours of time between each prayer or to have practiced a continual mindfulness of God. I was inconsistent on both accounts. I was too stubborn for the former and not enlightened enough for the latter. Despite these things, I got a better understanding of the meaning behind the personal struggle for God. My daily routine has changed and must change due to practical needs and a goal to better apply compassion in my life.

So here's a general summary of what's happened.

• July 8, 2008 (around midnight): The first many serious (level 7+) sciatic nerve pain incidents waken my slumber. This begins a major turning point of my prayer rituals for the worse. My blogging patterns become very less frequent from this point on.
• July 8, 2008 (late morning): I saw a physiatry physician. He tested my reflexes, range of motion, and walking/foot strength to assess the nature of my sciatic nerve pain. He concluded that it was deep-tissue muscle inflammation that was causing the sciatic issues and not a spinal disc issue. I received 3 trigger point injections witha long-last local anaesthetic without cortisone, despite my suggestion for it. It served to ease my back pain but failed to ease any leg pain. I should not that the drive to see this physician was full of screaming in pain and it was my first time I considered to recite prayers as a method of pain control. The technique didn't solve the pain, but it kept me from degenerating into swearing obscenities and wrathful behavior. Unfortunately, my mood was so soured by the doctor's diagnosis (as I was sure this was a herniated or ruptured spinal disc) that when I sat in the car the next time, I screamed obscenities the entire way to my destination, as my poor wife and daughter had to tolerate it.
• July 8, 2008 (evening, after work): Having felt truly felt ashamed for my behavior earlier in the day, I asked my coworker to drove detour to a place where I bought my wife some flowers, as a way ot apologizing and acknowledging that I could have done better. I was able find a comfortable position with the seat rolled fully horizontally, something I was not able to do in our car due to the installation/positioning of our daughter's car seat.
• July 9, 2008 (shortly after midnight): As mentioned in the July 11, 2008 journal entry, I went to medical urgent care, although we waited for my wife's parents to get to our house so that that our daughter was under supervision. I am more successful in using prayer to restrain the more wrathful and obscence behaviors. The physician tests me in a manner similar to the physiatry physician and explains to me that I fail all tests for a serious disc issue, except for the pain test. In my own mind, I forgive the physiatry physician for his diagnosis and conclude that he wasn't entirely incompetent, as I wasn't exhibiting same kind of pain when laying down on his examination table. The urgent care physician gets the pain under control, gets me on some oral steroids, and sends me home. I write my physiatry and primary care physicians, summarizing the story. 
• July 9, 2008 (late morning): Physiatry physician orders an MRI. He apologizes and says he sincerely did not believe I exhibited a disc issue. I wait for their call.
• July 10, 2008 (around noon): After taking the initiative to call the MRI department, I get an MRI scheduled for next Friday. Sometimes being a nag gets things done, unfortunately.
• July 11, 2008 (late afternoon, early evening): My wife picks me up from work. My sciatic pain while sitting is excruciating, so I lay reversed, facing backwards. We arrive at the MRI facility, complete the MRIs, and drive to my wife's parents' house afterwards. I am in some pain. My wife goes to work, under a prior obligation. My in-laws agree to watch over me, serving dinner at their house, and later driving my daughter and I back to our home. By 9pm, we're feeling comfortable... we *think* everything is going to be just fine.
• July 12, 2008 (minutes after midnight): I come down for a snack. My wife is in the downstairs bathroom; I don't know that, nor do I know that she's returned from work. I stand at the countertop, thinking about what I'm going to eat. Suddenly, without any warning, I experience my first sciatic attack of pain level 9-10. Any slight adjustment in my standing position creates more pain. My wife is out of the bathroom. For roughly the next 10 minutes, all I can say is "ouch". Thankfully, I'm not swearing. My wife doesn't know what to do. I don't respond to any questions. All I can say is "ouch"... I don't recall screaming or yelling or obscenities. I strive, mindful and thankful that my daughter is still asleep. Afterwards, I ask my wife to take me to the urgent care nearest to our home. We discover I can't get into our car. We borrow her parents light-SUV and head over to urgent care, arriving at 12:45AM. I use prayer to keep myself under control. It brings me some comfort. I am treated and sent home. I am prescribed percocet, valium, and 4 day supply of prednisone anti-inflammatory steroids. I am discharged. Pain still there, bearable at a 4 or 5... the pain meds quite haven't kicked in yet. I am able to fall sleep when I get home.
• July 13, 2008 (early morning, near dawn): I have another sciatic nerve attack. My screaming wakes my daughter. I strive to keep my behavior under control, and eventually I am able to calm down. Later in the morning, I make breakfast for my wife... my soul aflame in the desire to show some appreciation to my wife. I blog the story though, desiring to not forget, and I inadvertently neglect my duties. What's not captured in that blog entry is the sour mood of my wife. She's glad I cooked breakfast, but annoyed that I spent time blogging, while she and my daughter are awake. It's a reminder that blogging always comes last in terms of priorities. Human connections of people I know are more important. This is the primary reason why I haven't blogged since July 13, 2008. I've just had too much to do in the form of familial and professional duties, which I've done poorly or minimalistically due to my physical condition. 
• July 13, 2008 (late afternoon): My wife has plans to meet with friends. She cleans up the house before we plan to leave. I get another sciatic attack while moving a water sprinkler. For 30 minutes or so, I lay on my stomach on the couch, praying for it to go away. I eventually move, and realize I need to go to urgent care. It takes me 10 minutes to find a way to get into our car. My wife drives me to urgent care, stays long enough to see me admitted, then leaves to meet her friends. She asks if she wants me to stay. I tell her to go. She's done much for me. I can tell that she needs a break. I get some good advice from the physician, and she tells me to quit staggering my different medications and to increase the medication schedule. She tells me to stick with the most effective ones, that allowing this kind of pain to manifest only worsens my situation. She tells me not worry about the valium and oxycodone addiction. The fact that I'm mindful and trying to prevent an addiction tells her that I'm not the kind of person who is at risk. I take her advice to heart. She dopes me up with morphine; my first time. I call my wife. She and her friends pick me up; we have dinner at California Pizza Kitchen. I'm brave and try an unconventionally flavored pizza. The day ends with a smile. I pray a bit extra that night and I thank my wife for all she's done.
• July 15, 2008 (morning): I am notified by my physicians of the preliminary MRI results. Surgery is recommended. Details are scant, I am supposed to get a call from the Neurosurgery department.
• July 18, 2008 (afternoon): I finally am contacted by Neuosurgery, although I had made several attempts prior to this date. Triage policies prevented me from making progress. Appointment is scheduled for July 24.
• July 19, 2008 (evening): We celebrate our 5 year anniversary at a nice steakhouse. We eat Chateaubriand and lobster. I vow that day to further cut back on beef... that I would only eat it on special occasions and for my favorite Japanese dish (shabu shabu, which requires high-end beef for it to not taste horribly). I figure that as long as I'm reducing my demand for beef, especially fast-food beef, which tends to have a rather negative impact on the environment, I'm at least striving for a worthy ideal, right? My wife and I have a good conversation over dinner. I'll summarize this in a future blog entry. Best gift... no sciatic attack.
• July 24, 2008 (late morning): I meet with a neurosurgeon, although the appointment takes a bit of time to acquire thanks to the HMO's bureaucracy. The MRI evidence is damning... ruptured disc with 7-8 on a 1-10 scale. Surgery is advised and explained. I stare at the MRIs again, comparing the current damage with a prior disc herniation from 3 and 4 years ago, still evident on the new MRIs. The evidence looks really bad. In my heart I know I can beat this without surgery, but at what cost? I haven't had any sciatic attacks recently, but I can't pick up my daughter. Surgery gets scheduled for July 31, with the promise that I can cancel any time.
• July 28, 2008 (morning): I have a surgery pre-op appointment with a Physician's Assistant. The nature of the surgery is described again. I mention that I've been off meds for a few days, and I haven't seen a lot of real pain. He explains surgery is my choice. If there's no pain, I can call it off. If it gets worse, I can schedule another surgery. I don't want surgery... in my heart of hearts, I feel it is the right thing to do, but I don't want it. I know I can beat this without surgery if I want to... but again, at what cost? Longer recovery? More work for my wife? Reduced efficiency at work? I know it's my ego at work and a personal bias against surgery, telling me that I can beat this. Prayer affirms that I can beat this if I want to without surgery. The decision to pursue it becomes an issue of duty and compassion...
• July 28, 2008 (evening): In prayer, I truly come to accept that I need the surgery. It's the more right thing to do. My daughter deserves a dad that can pick her up and hold her, sooner rather than later. She doesn't understand, and it breaks my heart every time she wants me to hold her and I can't. My wife assures me that she would support me if I decided not to pursue surgery, but I explain my reasoning... and I do it for her, too... so that I might be able to better fulfill my duties as a husband. I feel good... I finally have my certitude.
• July 30, 2008 (evening): I pray to God, to affirm my decision to pursue surgery. I pray that he accept it as my desire as part of my duties as a father and a husband and as an act to slay a part of my ego. I pray that he provide me with a speedy recovery. I mention that I miss our early morning communions. My certitude is affirmed; I am awash in the love of God. My soul is set aflame; and I give thanks and praise to God through my tears of joy.
• July 31, 2008 (from 11am-6pm): I check in at 11am. They prep me from 11:40am to about 2pm. I manage to get my obligatory prayer around noon. I find myself muttering prayers to myself. I don't feel nervous. I have little pain. I am eager for the surgery, and I am awash in the feelings that I get when I feel God's presence. After prep, my wife and parents are admitted to my prep area. They keep me company. Finally, I am rolled to the operating room... OPERATING ROOM #9. How auspicious. God be praised! I know... somewhat superstitious, but it's not like I prayed for that outcome. I just took it as a sign... a smile from God, if you will. The operation takes roughly 1-2 hrs. The roll me into the recovery room. Literally, 9 MINUTES after I arrive in the recovery area, I wake... groggy but awake. I didn't really know this until later in the evening when my wife and I went to bed. My wife explained that the nurse had stated this detail in front of me... still, 9 MINUTES? Yet another smile from God, I suppose.